Campaign Against Real Life, Otherwise Known as TuffSheet.com

Content is from the site's 2007 archived pages.

TUFFSHEET BLOG - A Woolworths’ bag of spoofs:

March 23rd, 2007 by admin

We made our Dove spoof as a playful homage to the original. A wise man – it may have been Ross Kemp – once said that you can only spoof something you love. If you’re indifferent to something, you ignore it. How very true, Ross, how very true.

Who are we?

We are TUFFSHEET.com. A group of insanely attractive underground renegades who live in a disused castle on an offshore island in the middle of the Indian Ocean. Our mission is to infiltrate the world’s elite organizations and bring about anarchy and revolution to the world whilst eradicating hunger and disease…but when we’re not doing that we find funny virals/videos of fat men falling off ladders and Star Wars spoofs PURELY FOR YOUR PLEASURE.

So who are you?

Maybe it’s coming up to lunchtime and you’re still on the sofa, in your dressing gown, surfing the internet with your laptop on your stomach and its getting hotter by the minute and you’ve told yourself you’ll start work when the beetle that is climbing up your table lamp gets fried to death when it lands on the actual light filament. Or maybe you’re at work looking for anything to displace the fact that the report you’re writing is so dry it has sucked all the moisture from your hands and is slowly working its way up your arms to your face and then into your brain…

Or maybe you’re the Secretary General of the UN looking for something light to read before making a keynote speech to Congress on your solution to world poverty…

Whoever you are, you are welcome. We are on your side. None of us can help it that our concentration span… has dissolved… down to twenty seconds max… and we can’t… understand long sentences…. er… Its OK, you’re going to be alright.

March is always going to be a difficult month. Everyone is depressed. The man in the local shop, the postman, the city businessman with his large black briefcase, the mafia hitman, Alanis Morissette, even the bloke your girlfriend is having an affair with. The mornings are dark, the evenings are dark, it is cold enough to freeze your arm hair into little icy spikes and your brain needs more sunlight otherwise it is going to go on strike, stop thinking and demand that you go down to the local newsagents and pick the ‘Best of Heat Magazine’ and Paris Hilton’s autobiography.

Contrary to popular belief, Brain Cells can be re grown. If you want the science, ‘neurons’ continue to grow and change beyond the first years of development and well into adulthood…so you haven’t lost it YET. Together, we can get it back! And the first step in the recovery program is for us all to just kick back, open a can of beer, forget all of your deadlines and watch a few carefully selected video spoofs which we’ve found on the good old internet…

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This week a pick-a-mix bag of spoofs:

James Blunt Parody

James Blunt is like a toy donkey that everyone likes to hang from a tree and hit with big sticks. Some people seem to think he is the personification of all evil. Maybe that’s the whole point of this video. Its his attempt to prove to the world that he doesn’t have three nipples, six fingers or ‘Behold! I am the son of Beelzebub’ tattooed on his lower stomach. Why else would he be in the snow taking off his clothes? It surely can’t be because he reckons he’s got a pretty nice body and wants to show it off, can it? Vain? James Blunt? Surely not. We have been trying to find one of those rubber body suits. They would be amazing for nudist beaches…not that we’ve got anything to be ashamed of or anything…

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Star trek cribs…

It is well known that both Star Trek and MTV Cribs appeal to a particular kind of audience. Usually these audiences are entirely and mutually incompatible. However, just imagine if you could combine those two audiences. You would surely have an army that could take over the world! The Trekkers could work out the military tactics and design and build all the technology, weaponry, transport and uniforms and would then work out a strategy to enforce and maintain the new world order. Then the Cribbers would re-spray the cars with flame logos, eat a lot of crisps, install ridiculously impractical speaker systems in the stupidest places, and stand around in their velour hooded tracksuits clicking their fingers saying ‘you know what I’m talking about’ a lot.

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Harry Hill - Deal or no Deal

The success of Deal or no Deal is astounding and slightly disturbing. It is basically the equivalent of the ‘choose your own adventure’ fantasy books. It makes the viewer do all the work. It is like one of those patterns that you stare at for ages and start to see shapes and forests and dogs. Who is the mystery man that Noel Edmonds is talking to? One thing is for certain... it is not his stylist... because that person appeared to pass away in 1986 in New York City. And you can clearly hear him mumbling about getting his carpets cleaned aboard his spaceship. Whaa? I'm sure his spaceship has excellent floor coverings, maybe even oriental carpets, but does he really think the carpet cleaning NYC service will come aboard while he's flaking out about Deal or no Deal? They will probably not even take his call.

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Wine Bottles and Roller Skates

The human spirit is an amazing thing. It can conquer disease, it can survive world wars, it can design Laura Ashley curtains, it can work out how to set up a broadband wireless connection (after 15 hours of phonecalls to BT India). And it can compel a man to rollerskate along a road playing the first movement of Mozart’s Symphony No. 40 in G minor on wine bottles. The question must be asked did he have to drink all that wine before he was ready to go? Was there a toilet stop half way down? We’ve heard of Dutch Courage but there are limits. Surely this man is an alcoholic? If so, then those people lining the streets and cheering him on are only making his problem worse…

 

Rap Impersonation

This next clip is amazing if you can tell the difference between the rapping styles of DMX and Jay-Z. If however you live in a bungalow on the outskirts of Guildford, enjoy recreational sewing, think all rap music sounds the same and consider Cliff Richard singing ‘Devil Woman’ is the height of Rock and Roll… it won’t mean anything to you.

 

Titanic Sequel

Are you a teenage girl with an obsession about death? Did you watch Titanic 175 times? Do you love Jack Dawson so much it makes your eyes spontaneously combust when you hear his name? Do you wear dirty old lace wedding dresses and scuffed up Doc Martens? Are you sitting there in candlelight writing hundreds of letters to James Cameron in your own blood pleading with him to make a sequel? Well this clip could be about to fulfil your ultimate dreams!! Mind you, in the wake of the terrible awful thing that is Rocky Balboa, perhaps Hollywood doesn’t consider a Titanic Sequel entirely out of the question?

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Friends

Was Friends ever funny? Or were we all just under a mid-nineties collective hallucinogenic mind spell induced by our admiration of the size of their flats and temporary blindness from the sheen emanating from Jennifer Aniston’s hair. Is it time for a critical re-assessment? Maybe Marcel the monkey was funny after all?

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And so that’s it for this week – you can catch all of these clips on our website www.tuffsheet.com.

And please please send us things that you like on the wwweb. For a start it makes our job easier and give us more time to plot our revolutionary agenda or eat cakes. We’ll meet again in a couple of weeks….

You can see all our older newsletters with more spoofs on our website.

And finally here’s a clip of a fat boy nearly dying on a rollercoaster (nice one Janice). We know it’s not a spoof (ha - rules are for losers!) but just purely for your entertainment - everyone loves a bonus track…

 

TUFFSHEET BLOG - This week our favourite ad spoofs:

January 23rd, 2007 by admin

We made our Dove spoof as a playful homage to the original. A wise man – it may have been Ross Kemp – once said that you can only spoof something you love. If you’re indifferent to something, you ignore it. How very true, Ross, how very true.

This week our favourite ad spoofs:

The Infamous Sony bravia ad spoofed so beautifully by Tango in Swansea. Anyway, it’s very good. Apart from the freakily goofy woman at the end. Do we want to look like that if we drink fizzy orange stuff? No, we don’t.

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The old Mastercard classic, but hey, everyone loves a blowjob joke, right? Except men with no penises. They probably just feel very resentful.

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Wow. Citroen’s breakdancing car. How many people love that ad? Ten? Twenty? 500? It’s no good asking us. We have no idea. But it’s certainly inspired some excellent spoofs. Except that the dancing English breakfast makes us feel both queasy and strangely aroused.

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Not so much a spoof as a nosebleed techno remix of the Michael Winner e-sure ads. Is Michael Winner the greatest Englishman of all time? It’s possible. He’s definitely better than Churchill, who also tries to sell us car insurance.

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A spoof of the smug teeth chattering Honda choir. Alright we know you can make the sound of a windscreen wiper and quite frankly that’s pretty amazing, but why does that make us want to buy your car? If it’s not something arty like that, it’s an actor pretending to be some bloke called Barry Scott flogging bog cleaner. We want fantasies. Diet Coke man, that bird having a bath eating a flake. We want the power of dreams. We want sexy people telling us if we buy their sexy product we’ll be really sexy and have lots of sexy sex. Make us feel good for 30 seconds. It’s more than we’re getting normally.

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There are many urban myths: if you smoke a banana skin you get high; a sneeze is the same as an 1/8 of an orgasm, the earth is round. But amazingly that thing about dropping a mentos in a bottle of Diet Coke is true. Does it work with a classic pint of bitter…?

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A final happy Christmas clip that will warm your cockles. Is there anything more Christmassey than the cozy sounds of Aled Jones’ ‘I’m walking in the air’. One for the mums…

Christmas in a Box

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That’s it for now . Time is money. Places to go, people to see. Actually, that’s not true. We have no places to go, and no-one to see. We’re just sitting here all night, playing Tetris and refreshing our email. But don’t worry. You haven’t heard the last of us. There’ll be more spoofs here soon. Very soon.

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